Bombs Away – Run!

You are in a new relationship, and this is truly a whirlwind romance. Your new partner is a dream come true. They shower you with attention and affection, want to spend all of their free time with you, take you on amazing dates, give you constant excessive flattery, and shower you with extravagant gestures in the form of gifts. Further, they tell you they have been waiting for you their whole life.

You are living the dream! But understand that this may be common in a new relationship, and, as you get more comfortable with each other and that relationship matures, you settle into a more normal healthy relationship. In short, the infatuation stage is over, and your new journey of getting to know each other intimately, with all your strengths and faults, along with your values, goals, interests, and independent activities. You are on the right path.

But what if all of this excessive affection, attention, and grandiose gestures don’t stop? And at some point, you are wondering just what is going on? You want some healthy boundaries, but that’s not happening. You are beginning to feel suffocated.

You, my dear, are probably the victim of love bombing.

So, let’s explore love bombing meaning and how it manifests in relationships.

Defining Love Bombing

First and foremost, love bombing is a form of emotional abuse. It’s an attempt on the part of the love bomber to gain control of you – your every move, your every interaction with others, your private life, and your independence. It is a strategy to lure and to keep someone in a relationship. And it usually happens when romantic partners first meet. It is a manipulation technique focused on control.

Love bombing is characterized by all of the grand gestures and behaviors listed above, but, again, they do not stop after an initial infatuation period. The goal of the love bomber is to get your undying attention and affection, to fawn all over them and to let them be the only person in your life. It is emotional manipulation and nothing like normal romantic relationships. In fact, it is an abusive relationship.

Who Love Bombs?

Most commonly, love bombers have narcissistic traits. Narcissistic personality disorder is considered a mental illness. These people exhibit a sense of their own importance above all others and have an overriding need to for attention and admiration. They may have no ability to care about the feelings of other people, including their romantic partners. In short, it’s all about them.

In fact, narcissists do suffer from insecurities and must compensate with their braggadocio and superior demeanor.

When narcissists are criticized or proved to be wrong about something, they will lash out at a person with emotional abuse. In extreme circumstances, they may resort to physical violence.

No single cause of narcissism has been identified, but most researchers believe it stems from childhood – an emotionally abusive. overly critical, or neglected home environment, a parent who was a narcissist, among other things.

When faced with a situation in which they might fail, they will exit or avoid it. And this is important in understanding how and why love bombing relationships end. Until that end, though, here is what someone can expect when they are the target of love bombing.

What a Relationship with a Love Bomber Looks Like

If you make yourself aware of these red flags, you will more easily detect love bombing and, for your own well-being, get out rather than subject yourself to further abuse.

They Appear to Be Overly Interested in You Immediately

This is less than honest communication. Part of this behavior is to overwhelm you and make you feel like you are the most important person in the world to them. The other part is to learn as much about you as possible – your sensitivities, your vulnerabilities, your past relationships (especially any past abusive relationships). These can be used as sources of manipulation in the future – to control you, to hurt your reputation, or to put you in emotional turmoil. They are master manipulators, and if you cross criticize them, watch out.

They may also reveal past childhood trauma and pain to you in order to gain your sympathy and to make you understand that they feel close enough to you to reveal all of their secrets – they may or may not be true.

They Need You to Affirm Their Greatness All the Time

This is their insecurity coming to the forefront. It doesn’t matter how much you may compliment them and tell them how great they are, they must have more. They rely on you to re-affirm how wonderful they are, and this can get pretty exhausting. If you’re enduring this, get out.

Excessive Declarations of Love

In the beginning, this can be seen as wonderful. They are just so in love. Typical statements might be something like there:

• “I can’t see myself ever living without you”
• “I’ve finally met my soul mate”
• “I’m falling more and more in love with you every day”
• “You make me complete”
• “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me”

And statements like these are repeated over and over again, often from the first date forward. Just remember – normal people don’t come on so strong, so soon, and so incessantly. this is a pretty big red flag, not to mention the fact that you get tired of it and even may feel embarrassed by it.

The excessive compliments should also be a warning sign. While they are flattering at first, they come so often that eventually they come to feel “canned” and disingenuous. Trust your gut here. If they are gushing with compliments day and night, and they don’t decrease after the initial infatuation phase, the behavior is not normal.

Pressure to Commit Right Away

This is often used as a “test” of whether you are under their control yet. While all relationships move on their own timeline, and love at first sight can happen, if you are feeling that all of this is too fast, too soon, again, trust your gut. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed into something that just doesn’t feel right yet.

Excessive Clingy Behavior

They want you all to themselves, day and night. They call, they text, they are waiting when you arrive home from work; they try to isolate you from friends and family, so you have more time for them.

When you are somewhere else without you, they call incessantly. This constant communication isn’t normal. Normal partners want you to have time with other friends and family. They want to be involved in activities and hobbies you enjoy. In healthy relationships, independence is honored and respected.

The reason is their own insecurity. When you are not with this new partner, they are not in control, and they cannot stand that.

Along with this clinginess comes excessive jealousy. They simply don’t want anyone else having any of your time – this can even include friends and family. And God forbid you should talk to a potential romantic “threat” even though your intentions are purely platonic.

Jealousy may also extend to the demands of your work and your outside interests. This type of jealousy is manipulation and is also a form of domestic abuse. If you find yourself in this kind of situation, your gut feelings should be sending flashing lights. It is one of the clearest signs of love bombing.

Over-the-Top Gifts

This was covered earlier, but it is worth repeating. While it feels amazing in the beginning, it is another manipulative tool – they want you to feel somehow obligated to them because of all they have given you. You owe no one anything for gifts they have chosen to give you – don’t feel guilty if you want out.

Not Honoring Your Boundaries

Here’s a biggie. And it’s one of the clearest love bombing signs. Everyone has personal boundaries that they set and that others are not to cross, even family and friends, and certainly in a relationship.

Healthy boundaries prevent us from being hurt or used. A clear example of a personal boundary is that you will not let anyone else take advantage of you or dictate your actions. Another one might be that no one will invade your personal space unless you give permission.

Love bombing typically violates personal boundaries. The bomber shows up at your door uninvited and unannounced; they don’t respect you decision when you say “no” to something they want you to do and try to guilt you into it. This feels wrong, and it should.

Not respecting your boundaries is one of the most important love bombing signs that you must watch for. Again, it’s all about control and the need to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you might be with at all times. It’s suffocating, and it’s harmful behavior on their part.

Spend time, re-affirming your personal boundaries and clearly state them to this partner. If they cannot respect them, get out.

Becoming Angry When Questioned or Criticized

They expect you to take criticism. But the least little critical thing you may say, of any questioning of their behavior or actions is not tolerated. Instead of calmly discussing things with you, they become angry, might threaten physical harm, and make you feel unsafe. This is domestic violence and, at the very least, emotional abuse. This is no time for feeling confused of questioning yourself. Are you willing to risk physical violence? This is the time to ditch this relationship for good. And seek support as you do.

Any of the above behaviors should be red flags, although it is tough to see them sometimes. But there is a cycle these people follow, and you will be caught up in it.

Bombing Has a Cycle

It’s impossible for bombers to maintain their false behaviors forever, and ultimately they do lose the control they wanted in the beginning. Here are the typical phases:

• The beginning phase is called idealization – winning the affection of their target and gaining their trust, so they can gain control
• Next Comes Devaluing – they engage in put-downs and criticisms in an effort to make the target feel worthless
• Finally Comes the Discarding – the bomber decides to end things. This may be abrupt, and they suddenly ghost their target. This is because they can’t keep things up and can’t admit who they really are.
• Sometimes They Hover – They may pop up with a communication or follow their victim on social media. they can’t quite give up the control they once had, so they check to see how that ex-partner is doing.

All of this can be painful, confusing, and even embarrassing. You’ve missed the red flags, and you’ve been played. You’ll need to recover, of course, but first let’s look at prevention, and there are some ways to do this.

How to Avoid Love Bombing in the First Place

There’s an old saying, “If it seems to be too good to be true, it probably is.” This is something to keep in mind when you begin to date someone. Here are some tips:

Watch for Early Excessive Actions

They want early and intense talks about fully personal matters. They ask for all sorts of personal information rather than keeping things light and casual and learning more about you as the relationship develops and as you choose to reveal them.

Other excessive behaviors include many of the things discussed above – extravagant gift giving, showers of compliments, pressure to commit very early on, and other grand gestures. Remember, love bombing is meant to manipulate you for ultimate control, and these are the methods.

Your intuition should tell you that this is just too much, too soon. Walk away now while it will still be less painful.

Love Bombing Differs from Infatuation

At the beginning of a new relationship, it’s normal to see some love bombing behaviors. But as the relationship progresses, these gradually give way to a more natural journey of getting to know one another and share goals, and values, as well as explore true compatibility.

Love bombing begins early in the relationship and continues way past the normal infatuation stage, until the bomber is certain they can exert control over their target’s behaviors. If the excesses and grand gestures continue beyond the infatuation stage, it’s time to move on to prevent any further involvement with this person.

Assess Your Vulnerability

You’ve experienced a bad breakup, a divorce, or a death. Rebound relationships are common under these circumstances. People jump into new relationships because they often feel overwhelmed by the grief and have not been careful to spend time going through the grieving process to gain perspective.

Love bombing specialists, especially narcissists, are very socially intelligent and can sense this vulnerability. They will swoop in with excessive love “bombs,” and will resist your attempts to slow things down once the relationship starts.

Hopefully, you have at least one trusted friend who will provide advice and counsel and help to show you that all of the attention, flattery, lavish gifts, and such are not normal.

This is not a potential partner with promise. If they refuse to slow things down, you should begin to feel uncomfortable. Trust you instincts and get out now.

Review the Differences Between a Healthy and Unhealthy Relationship

You probably already understand and have experienced the basics of a relationship that is healthy. Each partner will spend time getting to know the other over time, not in a whirlwind in the beginning. A partner spends time discussing healthy boundaries and how their partner’s and their own boundaries will be respected.

Love bombing has no interest in how or why to set boundaries. In short, there are none. If you have set boundaries in past relationships and they have been honored, then those set boundaries should not be violated now by this new partner. If your boundaries are being violated, you will need to listen to your gut and get the hell out.

Another aspect of a relationship that is healthy is autonomy. Each partner recognizes and respects the other’s needs for independence, to have their own outside interests and activities. Love bombing doesn’t honor this and attempts to separate their targets from family members and friends and their outside interests. It’s just wrong.

If any of these things are happening in an early relationship, you know the drill. Leave as quickly as possible and don’t look back.

Research Narcissism

If you are noticing any disturbing behaviors early on, perhaps the need for constant reassurance, praise, and the continued showering of unwanted gifts, you may be in the claws of a narcissist.

Time to do some of your own research on narcissism and the typical behaviors. Love bombing is very common among narcissists.

If you see these behaviors in your new partnership, better safe than sorry. Many of your family members may see these behaviors and voice their concerns.

Spend time on the research, listen to the concerns of others who are close to you, and follow your instincts on this. They should be telling you to get out – do it.

Check Your Comfort Level Early On

If you are a reasonable, rational person, then you know what feels normal and what does not, especially where romance is concerned and if you have ever been in a healthy partnership. Love bombing is not healthy, and the behavior or a bomber is not normal.

If you are feeling any discomfort early on because of any of the behaviors listed above, it’s time to check out. There are so many potential partners out there who are normal, seek someone else. You can even use an online dating service where you can get to know someone better and gauge their “normalcy” before ever getting into a deeper relationship with them.

If you haven’t been careful, though, missed the red flags, and became the victim of love bombing, how do you recover? Read on.

How to Recover from Love Bombing

A love bomber is slick, don’t ever forget it. And if you have been a victim, of love bombing, the first thing to understand is that you are not alone. You are not dumb – remember this.

But onto this love bombing dynamic, of course, are your emotions and perhaps the hope that you can “fix” this situation and “fix” them. That you must get out of your head immediately.

If you have gone the full cycle of the love bombing relationship, you have been dumped and probably ghosted, although they may still be “hovering” and checking in on you. This is a typical love bombing behavior to keep some kind of control, even though they have moved on to the next victim.

So, here is what you must do, depending on the stage of love bombing you are in:

• Immediately put a support system in place – family members, friends, and even a therapist – people who can support you and keep you on track to get and stay out of the relationship.
• Cut off all communication methods. This means deleting their phone number, blocking them from access to your social media accounts, and at least temporarily cutting off mutual friends.
• Focus on self-care whatever that might mean for you – retail therapy, taking a course or two, getting out with old friends who were not mutual – anything that involves new experiences that promote your own self-development and especially your independence and autonomy.

In the End…

It’s not an easy road to recover from love bombing, especially if you were deep into the relationship with your love bomber. Just remember this: love bombing never has a good ending for the target. Now that you know the signs and the behaviors, you’ll be safe from their claws.