Bisexual Panromantic Relationships– Keeping Them Happy and Respectful

Let’s begin with this: Bisexuality is real. While not huge, there is credible research that points to the fact that this sexual identity is real. In fact, some research shows that over half of the members of the LGBTQ+ community identify as bisexual. So, take heart. Despite biphobia and bi-erasure, your sexual identity is valid and something you need to embrace.

For an interesting piece of research, check out Bi Us, For Us: Articulating foundational principles for research in partnership with bisexual communities – PMC (nih.gov)

Let’s Talk Dating as a Bisexual

Now, with bisexuality a valid identity that you share with so many others, it’s time to talk about dating as a bisexual, a person who is romantically and sexually attracted to both sexes, whether they are straight, lesbian, or gay. And the logical extension of these attractions in your dating world will be considerations of consensual panromantic relationships within and/or outside of the bisexual community.

Why Bisexual Panromantic Relationships?

And let’s face it. Having a panromantic relationship can satisfy your desires and needs in new and wonderful ways. If you are inclined to pursue panromantic relationships, it is important to think through the how, why, and what is involved in such a dating scenario – respect for and from all involved, open and clear communication, and the actions and/or interventions that will be involved (agency).

Here’s a good summary of getting off on the right foot if you are new to Panromantic relationships.

This Guide

This guide is specifically written to give bisexuals advice and tips to make a panromantic dating scenario satisfying, respectful, and healthy (mentally and physically) for all people in the relationship. It will cover all facets of panromantic dating.

The Ethics of It All

Ethical behavior while in a relationship is not a new concept. But a panromantic relationship kicks this up a notch because there is now an additional party involved. Here are the factors for an ethical panromantic relationship:

Consent
All parties must give full consent to entering a relationship with one another. This consent includes the expectations that each person has, and the boundaries that each person may have for what will occur, and more depending on who is in the relationship.
All parties must agree on these things up front.
Communication
The discussion that occurs during the consent phase is not the end of communication. Communication must occur during and after the relationship ends too.
After the relationship: This can get a bit tricky if not discussed in advance. If two of the parties remain in a relationship, how and when does the other party leave? If all choose to be single, how will they talk about what happened, what was satisfying, and will they get together again?
Really important here: If two of the parties remain in a relationship, there will need to be a “debriefing” and an honest discussion about how each of them now feels. They will need to re-connect to reinforce their love and commitment to each other and talk openly about their feelings or if this was an exploratory thing where they wanted to see what it was like to be in a relationship with more than one partner.
Respect
This is such a loaded term, but everyone needs to understand what it means in a panromantic relationship. It is having regard for the others’ feelings, rights, and wishes. The best way to show respect is by empathy – putting yourself in the other persons’ shoes, seeing the situation from their perspective, listening to what they tell you they want or don’t want, and honoring what they tell you.
Respect is required before, during, and after any relationship.

Getting Rid of the Myths and Stereotypes

Panromantic relationships have never enjoyed widespread acceptance as “normal” by society. But as newer ideas of exploration, flexibility, and acceptance of all romantic lifestyles continues to evolve, panromantic relationships are not the stigma they used to be.

Still, there are some myths and stereotypes that linger on. Let’s bust some of these right now.

Only People Who Want an Excuse to Cheat Enter Panromantic Relationships

Oh please. Research suggests that panromantic relationships are often built around fantasy and exploration, not promiscuity or an urge to cheat. Heterosexuals, in fact, are as promiscuous and capable of cheating, if not more so, than couples who add a third person to their bedroom.

Panromantic Relationships Lead to Jealousy and Relationship Dissatisfaction

Yes, they might, at least temporarily. But this is true of any relationship between two partners. People in monogamous relationships cheat on their partners; people in monogamous relationships experience dissatisfaction and break up all the time.

If two partners agree to enter a panromantic relationship and do it right, the chances of jealousy and damaged commitment are greatly reduced.

People in Panromantic Relationships Are More Likely to Contract Diseases

Health and safety practice while in a panromantic relationship is no more different than it is for a monogamous relationship. There is no data that showcases that certain diseases are more prevalent in those in panromantic relationships. Diseases are only contracted and transmitted by those who do not follow safe practices.

Entering A Panromantic Relationship Will “Fix” Your Relationship Issues

If you are in a partnership that is suffering romantically and/or sexually, you may think that trading in your monogamy will somehow revive your relationship. This new experience will not solve your problems. If you had issues before entering a panromantic relationship, they will still be there when the relationship is over. Fix your issues by other means first.

Women Who Engage in Panromantic Relationships are to Be Disparaged; Men are Not

So, here’s a stereotype that has to go. It is based on an old cultural standard that “boys will be boys” but women are not allowed. So, women who partake in panromantic relationships are “bad.” Fortunately, this stereotype is waning as gender equality is on the rise.

Engage in Self-Exploration

So, you think that a panromantic relationship is something you want to experience. Before you follow through on this, you need to think things through. A panromantic relationship is nothing to enter into on a whim. Here’s a process of self-reflection.

Why are you considering entering a panromantic relationship?

Be honest with yourself. What is your motivation? Here are “legitimate” reasons:

You want to explore a new romantic outlook
You have friends who have had good experiences with being in panromantic relationships
Your current partner is open to entering a panromantic relationship and is ready and willing to try one

And here are Illegitimate reasons:

You want to make your partner a bit jealous
Your partner is pressuring you to have one
You think a panromantic relationship will improve your relationship with your partner

Be certain that your motivation is a healthy one.

Identify Your Expectations

What you expect to get out of a panromantic romance is important, and it ties in with your motivations.

Do you want a short term experience just for the fun of it and to experience it for a while?
Do you want to explore a longer-term relationship with the same people?
Do you want to experience relationships with multiple partners who share your desires/needs?

No matter what your expectations, and all of them are legitimate, you need to communicate these to everyone who may be involved. It’s a matter of being honest with yourself and with others you may want to participate with.

What are Your Boundaries?

These are key to a satisfying relationship experience. First you must identify them for yourself. Second, you must make certain that the other two parties are fully aware of them and, most importantly, agree to them in advance.

Is there any aspect of panromantic relationships you are uncomfortable with? Any that you are comfortable with?
Are there any people you want to be or don’t want to be involved with?
Do you already have a partner? Where will they fit in this relationship?
What will be the “rules of engagement” if the relationship ends, and the third party has left? Both with your partner and with that third party?

Communicate your expectations and boundaries. Once you have established your boundaries, it is your responsibility to communicate them to both other parties who are to be involved. Here are some tips for doing this:

Whenever possible, the conversation should take place with all parties physically present.
If one party is not present (perhaps connected through a video chat), be certain that you are able to see their nonverbal reactions to the expectations and boundaries.
If you have a partner, you will want to communicate this to them first, secure their agreement, or reach a compromise on some things before bringing the third party into the conversation. You and your partner must be in full agreement first.

Navigating Dating Profiles on an App

As you register and craft your preferences and profile, your language should be very clear.

Be certain that your profile includes what you are looking for, so that you will be matched with like-minded people.
Once you receive appropriate mutual likes, be cautioned against jumping on board too quickly. You will want to have a number of conversations with your potential, including video chats.
If you have a partner who will be involved, both of you will have to “meet” with the potentials
Do not be afraid to ask questions that relate directly to the expectations and boundaries you have established for yourself and/or your partner. Get direct answers to those questions.

The key word here is “communication.” It must be clear and concise, and look for the same from your potential.

Identifying and Approaching Potential Relationship Partners

So, you know that communication is critical. But let’s back up for a minute. How do you even identify the good candidates and then approach them with a proposal?

The first step is to read the profiles of those who are also seeking relationships with more than one partner. How do they express themselves? Is their language compatible with yours? Do they seem to share the same values, expectations, and boundaries that you do? This will only be an initial screening. You have more work to do.
Once you have narrowed the potential, it is time to have some direct conversation.
As you begin your conversation, move slowly and respectfully, expressing your interest but not coming on too strong. After all, you are both in the exploration stage.
Ask them what their expectations are. Are they looking for a one-time experience or a longer-term regular panromantic relationship?
Approach the subject of their desires with care.
As you talk more, approach the subject of boundaries. Are theirs compatible with yours?
The goal here is to discover their desires and expectations, not necessarily to talk about yours. Think of these initial conversations as a type of “job interview.”
As the chats continue, you will both feel more comfortable talking about the details of what your ideal session would be like. If you believe there is a real match, then it may be time to meet with them face to face.
If you have a partner, obviously they have been involved all along and will be a part of this meeting too.

The Face-to-Face Meetup – Negotiating the Details

At the face-to-face, you will want to lay down all of the “ground rules” for the upcoming potential relationship.

While all of this seems rather clinical, remember that the more communication you have upfront, the less there will be chance for misunderstandings later on.

This is the time for each of you to nail down your expectations, what each of you want to gain from the relationship, and to agree on the boundaries everyone will be comfortable with. If any of the parties in the relationship have “tighter” boundaries, those will be respected by the others in the relationship.

It’s also time to talk about safe practices and what precautions all of you will take. It’s not all that unusual for one of you to ask that everyone be tested before the relationship begins. Respect that request.

The key term here is compromise. That’s what negotiations are all about. If there are areas that are not totally compatible, resolving them ahead of time is important, if everyone in the relationship is going to be comfortable and satisfied.

And here’s the positive thing about this face-to-face. It helps to build up sexual tension, which is definitely good once everyone is in bed together.

The Power Dynamics

One of the things that may not be anticipated in advance is the whole power dynamic that may unfold as the relationship progresses. One of the people in the relationship begins to be more dominant, calling the shots and assuming the other two will just go along.

Or one of the people in the relationship is obviously the more submissive party and then one or both of the others begin to take advantage of that submissiveness.

Exploitation is certainly not unheard of, so all parties must be mindful that there should be equality when it comes to each person’s wishes. No one should feel pressured, and no one should be pressuring.

If you are involved in a panromantic relationship and the power dynamics are getting lopsided, it’s important that you speak up, assert yourself, and feel free to cut things off until the situation can be righted. If it cannot, walk away.

There are red flags in many relationships, including panromantic relationships, and these include selfishness, the need for power and control, disrespect for a partner’s boundaries, and jealousy. Be mindful of these, and be the one to call it off if they crop up.

Getting Out Gracefully

If you find yourself in a panromantic relationship that is causing you discomfort of any kind, you must be the one to get yourself out. Here are a few scenarios that may cause this discomfort and how you should handle them:

You Feel Pressured: Even though boundaries have been set, you may feel pressured to go beyond them as the relationship progresses. While you may feel a bit intimidated, you must speak up, but you can do so with grace and respect. “Guys, I’m not comfortable. Can we just talk for a minute and get back on track?”

You Experience Jealousy: It’s not unusual that, if you have a romantic partner, jealousy will rear its head. You thought a panromantic relationship would be fun, but now that you are into it, you find that entering a relationship with your partner and another party is stirring up all sorts of negative emotions. This is not the time to “suck it up” and just let it go on.

Tell your partner right away. Calmly say, “I didn’t know that I would be feeling this way, but I do. Can we please have a discussion on what to do moving forward?” If your partner respects and honors your relationship, they will do as you ask. If not, you may need to re-think your relationship.

If you are feeling intense emotions when it comes to sharing your partner: Take a walk, go for a coffee or a drive, and try to settle yourself. There will be time to address this issue with your partner once you are in control of your emotions.

The Relationship is Over – Now What?: If this was a short term thing, and everyone has agreed to that, then your exit strategy should be relatively easy.

If this is an arrangement that all of you have decided will be longer-term, then the exit strategy will be far different. It’s time for some real talk about what went well, what each of you liked or did not, etc. Which brings us to the next and last section of this guide.

Reflection

All parties involved in a panromantic relationship have emotional responses to what went on during the relationship. And they all experienced levels of comfort (or discomfort) during the event.

This is a time for reflections and communication, for providing emotional support to one another, and for honest and open talk. Here are topics for aftercare:

What did you enjoy and what did you not enjoy?
What might you want from the next relationship you find yourself in?
Did anything about being in a relationship with more than one partner make you feel uncomfortable?
What did you learn about yourself?
Did anything that happened key into your own personal or emotional growth? What did you learn about yourself and/or your partner?.

Resources and Support

This guide has taken you through everything about entering a panromantic relationship, from start to finish. If you follow it, you are far more likely to have a successful and satisfying experience, whether you want to explore it only one time or engage in these sessions on a more regular basis. Just know that either way, you have that right.

If you want more information about these types of relationships, including the research, the thoughts of others who have been or are in these types of relationships, some support, the psychological aspects, and more, here is a list of resources.

Research

The Truth About Real-Life Sexual Threesomes | Psychology Today

Bi Us, For Us: Articulating foundational principles for research in partnership with bisexual communities – PMC (nih.gov)

Support and Advice

How to have a threesome: managing emotions during group sex | Mashable

How to Have a Successful Threesome, According to People Who Have a Lot of Them | GQ

10 Things to Understand Before You Have a Threesome | Psychology Today

Polyamorous Chat Room | Polyamorous Online Chatting

Chat in Threesome’s Room (onlinefreechat.com)

Logistics/Rule-Setting

How to Initiate, Negotiate & Enjoy Your First Threesome – SheKnows

Threesome Tips: 7 Things You Should Know Before Having One | Allure