You’ve probably heard the lesbian dating stereotype: What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul! In the past, especially before dating apps, WLW often had a limited dating pool. Meeting another sapphic woman often led to quick and intense emotional connections and resulted in quickly formed commitments.
Nowadays, this stereotype is somewhat under question. In a Taimi survey, 54% of lesbians were not familiar with the U-Haul stereotype at all.
Then again, another 59% agreed that lesbians moved in together faster than hetero couples. So, what conversations should WLW couples have before moving in together?
The 7 Essential WLW Cohabiting Convos
Moving in too quickly can lead to unexpected conflicts and complications later if you don’t have the right discussions upfront. Yes, lesbians tend to have good post-breakup relationships (another stereotype with a foundation of truth), but wouldn’t it be better to keep the new relationship intact? Don’t pack those boxes before you have these seven conversations.
1. Communication During Conflict
It’s bound to happen. You and your new love have your first argument. You’re ready to sit down and hash things out. She’s not anywhere around because her communication style is to get some space and wait for emotions to settle. Now, what? You should’ve had a conversation about communication styles and how to handle conflict.
Each of you must know how the other communicates when emotions are high. Also, have you discussed boundaries, emotional triggers, or needs you are bringing into this relationship? This is a good time to think about couples counseling, conflict resolution strategies, or even safe words.
2. The Division of Household Labor
Most of the conversations around this topic focus on straight couples, especially those with children. In reality, conflicts around the division of labor can happen to any couple and is a major source of unhappiness. There is more to this than splitting a chore list. Instead, have a talk about what contributing looks like, who will take ownership of different household responsibilities, and what a general household routine will look like.
This is also a good time to discuss your daily schedules. If one of you is a morning person and the other likes to stay up late, there may be some compromise needed.
3. Financial Transparency
It isn’t easy to talk about money, especially when one or both of you is bringing some financial baggage into the relationship. Start with rent and bills. Will you split everything evenly or prorate it based on income.
Next, you can get into budgeting, spending habits, and individual and shared expenses. Yeah, this convo can be awkward, but you’ll want to have it before you sign that lease.
4. Alone Time & Independence
Get on the same page, as much as you can, about what your relationship will look like when you move in together. Be aware that your expectations on the amount of time you spend together may not match. On one hand, moving in doesn’t mean you give up all of your independence. Then again, you are living together for a reason. It isn’t unreasonable to expect to spend a lot of time together.
5. Long-Term Intentions And Emotional Readiness
Are you moving in together for practical reasons, or because both of you think this could be a forever relationship. Either one is valid, but it’s important to get your intentions out in the open.
Also, keep in mind that there is some risk to moving quickly, but that can be mitigated with communication and emotional honestly. Be honest about your feelings, and create space for your new partner to be honest about hers as well.
6. Family Planning And Integration
Two things to consider here. The first is the family connections that the two of you already have. Whether you are tightnight with your kinfolk, estranged, or it’s complicated, you and your partner should be in sync and supportive of one another in this area. Some questions to ask are:
- Are you out to your family?
- If there are estrangements or boundaries, how can I support you with those?
- How will we handle family holidays?
- What about kids, visitation schedules, etc?
The second conversation involves what your future family is going to look like? Will it be just the two of you forever, or will you add kids to the mix? What about aging parents? If one of you expects to be a caregiver, you’ll want to discuss the emotional and logical aspects of that.
7. Household Layout And Design
It is important that both of you feel at home and welcome when you move in together. That can be complicated when one of you is moving into the other person’s space. It can feel a bit like being a renter or boarder if you are living with another person’s decorations, furniture, and memorabilia. Talk about how you can make the space a home for both of you.
You might need to talk about how you both use the space in your shared home. For example, who gets the extra bedroom? Will it be a shared office, hobby room, or something else?
Do it at Your Own Pace
Moving in together is a big decision and adjustment. If you both feel right about taking this step sooner than later, go for it! Just protect your relationship and yourselves by having these important conversations before you get ready to move.
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