Relationships. The simple dictionary definition is “how things or people are connected.” But of course, things are never as simple as they seem. There are all sorts of nuances in relationships. And understanding these nuances involves looking into the dynamics of emotion, styles, trust, communication and the types of connections that people have based on those nuances.
Relationship Nuances – What’s Healthy
There are some key factors in healthy successful relationships:
Trust
People in any committed relationship must trust that they can be safe expressing their thoughts, feelings, emotions, and ideas without fear of being judged, criticized, or invalidated.
Communication
Open and honest communication happens with words and with nonverbal actions. And it means communicating all that is on their minds, finding compromises, and resolving conflicts with maturity.
Putting Forth Mutual Effort
In adult relationships, both pull their equal share of the responsibilities, both physical and emotional. This shows a commitment to each other and to the relationship.
Promoting a Secure Attachment Style
The dynamics of a relationship are impacted by the attachment styles of those in it. Based on their own experiences in the past, some partners have secure attachment styles. Others have anxious (clingy) or avoidant (not communicative) styles. It takes time for anxious and avoidant styles to change and requires patience on the part of the secure partner.
Relationship Nuances – Types of Relationships
Everyone is involved in different types of relationships during their lifetimes. Three are most common:
Family Relationships
These can be complicated dynamics from childhood forward. We are close to some relatives and feel very comfortable talking to them, and they are supportive of us. Others not so much. But all of these dynamics are a part of our growing up and do spill over into our adult relationships.
Platonic Relationships
The vast majority of us have friends with whom we have bonds that are close. They’re called platonic, after the ancient Greek philosopher Plato who, among his many writings, stated that these relationships were the highest form of love – not family, not romantic, and not sexual ones. Platonic relationships are important to asexual people because it takes the whole sexual part of a relationship out and focuses on having close friends who provide social support, advice, and those who are willing to hear your thoughts, ideas, challenges, issues, and more.
Some self-identified asexuals even form long-term relationships, including marriage, and live full and happy lives together. This is the perfect relationship for the aromantic asexuals.
Romantic Relationships
Most asexual people feel romantic attraction, and they seek romantic partners. When they experience romantic attraction, they most often seek committed relationships. And often these attractions can be toward sexual people – people who have sexual needs that they want met.
When sexual and asexual people enter into a dating relationship, there will be some issues that they will have to work through. Their romantic love may be strong, but sex will rear its head and must be addressed (more on that later).
Aesthetic Relationships
Many asexual individuals experience aesthetic attraction. This is more of an admiration based on physical appearance. If the person is in their social circle, in a course they are taking, or some other environment in which they see this person often, they will probably look for reasons to be close and to strike up conversations. But this is neither a romantic nor sexual attraction. It’s more like admiring and wanting to be close to a work of art. A lot of people, for example, experience an aesthetic attraction when the view the Michelangelo’s statue of David in Florence Italy, and they may linger and return to it several times during their time there.
The question becomes this: How do people on the asexual spectrum fit into relationships with others, and how can those relationships be made healthy and successful?
As the song says, “Let’s start at the very beginning – that’s a very good place to start.”
What Exactly is Asexuality?
The simplest definition is asexual orientation in which a person experiences little-to-no sexual attraction to other people. It is not celibacy or abstinence – those are choices people make. Asexuals do not choose their sexuality – it’s a part of who they are.
Asexuality has nothing to do with gender or other sexual orientations. They may be straight, gay, lesbian, trans, non-binary, bisexual, or anything else on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.
They may also feel romantic, emotional, and aesthetic attractions to others and seek those kinds of people as partners.
Asexual people exist along what is called an asexual spectrum. At one extreme are those asexual people who are sex repulsed and who would never consider and act of sex. At the other extreme are those who feel sexual attraction at times and do engage in sex, finding pleasure in it. And in between, asexual people fall along a continuum. In short, the asexual community is pretty diverse.
Most asexual pairings do lack sexual intimacy, but these couplings can and do have significance and depth. There are romantic and emotional bondings, built on trust, companionship, honesty and mutual respect.
What Are the Many Faces of Asexual Relationships
First of all, an asexual relationship is one in which one or both people are asexual, experiencing no or low sex drive. But in terms of the relationship itself, though it may not be sexually intimate, it is intimate in many other ways. Here are important aspects of a happy and successful asexual relationships.
Affection Without Sex
While society mostly says otherwise, there can be intimacy and affection without sex. Couples can show physical affection in many ways. Just some examples include cuddling in bed or while watching a movie, giving one another massages, hugging, kissing, handholding, candlelit dinners holding hands across a small table and gazing into each other’s eyes, or slow dancing to their favorite romantic song.
Emotional Affinity
Emotional intimacy is critical to any healthy relationship. Couples must feel they are in a safe space with one another to share all of their feelings, thoughts, ideas, struggles, joys, and sorrows without fear of judgement, criticism, or invalidation. This connection if one of the most important things that can exist in any coupling.
Open Communication
This is another critical piece of any relationship. Other relationships between casual friends and co-workers, for example, may not involve discussions of feelings, expectations, and boundaries, but for couples, these are critical to keep a relationship healthy.
Agreement on Boundaries
Asexual people all have boundaries, especially where sex is involved. Both partners must discuss these and respect and agree on them. For example, an asexual person may agree to an open relationship in which the sexual partner may seek sex outside of the relationship with certain conditions that must be honored. If the sexual partner does not live up to those conditions, that’s a deal breaker for sure, and their primary relationship may just not last.
Still other relationships in which one partner is sexual can have agreed upon boundaries about sex. The asexual person may agree to have periodic sex in order to please the sexual person. and they will both respect that agreed upon decision.
Relationship Dynamics
Couples bond for a variety of reasons – these may be emotional connections, romantic love, intellectual compatibility, shared passions, even political and religious beliefs. And in the case of asexual people, they may only desire a relationship with another asexual person.
An asexual person must feel safe and comfortable in whatever relationship they have chosen. If red flags pop up their ugly heads, then it’s time to re-evaluate, break things off, and move on.
Another relationship dynamic that has become increasingly popular for many asexual people has been online romantic and emotional relationships. A person can join a dating site or two – those that support asexual relationships, like Taimi – and have safe, comfortable, and successful romantic connections in cyberspace. And joining a dating site is perfect for an asexual person who may be somewhat introverted or on the shy side. But even for those who are not shy, most offer video calling features to enhance the ability to form romantic relationships with other asexual people.
With all of these faces of asexual connections and the possible solutions to issues that may arise, it’s not weird that asexual connections still face challenges. Let’s unpack some of these.
Challenges of Asexuals in Relationships
Asexuality is a unique identity. And those whose life is as an asexual who has connected with someone else will face challenges.
Finding Balance
When two asexual people have a romantic, emotional, or intellectual connection, there is a good balance for their life. They are both on the same page, holding the same principles and attractions. While an uninformed society thinks that it’s weird that a couple has no sex, their relationship exists in happiness and success.
When asexuals are in a coupling with a sexual being, you have two different people in terms of sexual attraction and sexual orientation. Here is where communication, compromise, and mutually agreed upon solutions must come into play. Both of their needs matter. And when that doesn’t happen, there can be frustration and resentment – bad for the long-term success of this coupling. Talk is cheap when it’s not followed by agreed upon actions.
Outside Pressures
These pressures may come from friends, family members, and society as a whole. Asexuals may hear that how they identify is wrong and against the “natural order of things.” And this kind of pressure and shaming is hard to take, for sure. The fact that some of it comes from those they have been close to for a long time feels like a betrayal. Most people who face this kind of pressure can only sincerely hope that, over time, they can have have genuine conversations with these folks and provide some education that will validate their sexuality.
Self-Acceptance
This can be a tough one. The first question that asexuals probably ask themselves is when and how they realized that their sexual orientation caused them to identify as asexual. Did they even know the term, or did they just realize that they did not experience sexual attraction as society said they should?
And then the next challenge is accepting that they identify with this sexuality without any guilt, shame, or fear. After all, they are swimming upstream by having romantic attraction without being sexually attracted.
Self-acceptance is critical for an asexual to live a comfortable and full life. The first place they must go is to educate themselves and then to other asexuals who can provide understanding and support. There is strength in numbers, and nothing could be worse than feeling that you are alone.
It’s important to focus on romantic attraction and having successful romantic relationships, though sexual relationships are lacking or minimal.
The other level of acceptance must be on the part of the sexual partner who is in this romantic relationship but also has sexual attraction as a part of their being. They may also be sexually attracted to this mate but must understand that they must talk openly and arrive at solutions and compromises that will work for both of them. Which brings us to the next matter.
Intimacy Negotiation
There are just so many ways that couples can experience intimacy that don’t involve sex. We have covered most of them earlier in this article. Every couple is unique, and every couple must talk about what intimacy means to them and then explore and pursue those avenues that make them feel closer.
Dealing With the Myths and Misconceptions
We’ve already addressed what these are, and they exist both within and outside of the LGBTQ+ community. The problem is that these things lead to problems with self-acceptance because of the judgement, the criticism, and the invalidation not just of their sexuality but of their romantic attractions and a romantic relationship they may have that does not include sex. They have every right to a romantic orientation and a romantic relationship without sex, and their sexual mate has every right to expect that others outside of that relationship back off.
Locating Partners Who are Compatible
Yes, this is a challenge. It’s easy to feel isolated if you don’t know where to look. Perhaps you met someone in a bar, struck up a convo, and exchanged phone numbers. Now that person has called you for a date. Most people in your situation might panic a bit. How do you handle it? You are definitely attracted, but that person doesn’t expect that you are asexual.
If you haven’t connected with other asexuals, you’re out there on a limb all by yourself.
Before you ever run into this situation, you must connect with other asexuals, either on the ground or digitally, and have those talks that will give you the advice and support you need. Now these may not be your friends because they may not be asexual.
There are all sorts of support groups out there – online forums, social media groups, and discussion groups on dating sites and apps. Other asexuals will share their experiences and give you advice on how to “come out” to someone you’re attracted to who does not have a clue about your sexuality, no matter what your gender or theirs. And gender doesn’t matter. It’s all about the fact that you are attracted to them romantically and don’t know how to approach revealing that you are asexual.
The advice you get will probably be to let that someone know right away. And they will probably not know what asexuality even is. Most people don’t. You will want to point them in the direction of resources for them to check out to learn about asexuality. If they are truly interested in you, they will do it. If not, don’t pursue the relationship. Move on.
You will need to get active in finding compatible potential mates. Use those digital resources we have suggested, and you will find them – either fellow asexuals or those potential partners who are sexual and who are willing to pursue a relationship with you. And one of the primary challenges will be what intimacy looks like.
Defining and Navigating Intimacy
Intimacy is a complex concept. A textbook definition includes a “feeling of closeness and connection in an interpersonal relationship.” This obviously can be with friends, family members, co-workers, fellow students, and such. But it also applies to romantic relationships.
And in those romantic relationships, intimacy can be physical, of course, but also spiritual, emotional, and intellectual closeness.
Intimacy in a relationship is achieved by the following:
Developing Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy requires a safe space for two people, whether friends, family members, or lovers. In that safe space, both parties feel free to express their thoughts, feelings, ideas, dreams, struggles, and fears. When one party expresses these, it is up to the other party to listen actively and to validate all of those with support and empathy.
Developing Physical Intimacy
There are many ways to be physically intimate other than sex. Holding hands while walking down the street or across the table at a candlelight dinner is one; hugging and cuddling while watching a movie or TV show; cuddling under the covers while you fall asleep; long and lingering kisses while you slow dance to your favorite music. These are things that sexual and asexual mates can share easily.
As for sex, that is something that will be worked out individually as they decide. Many asexuals do have sex with their mates to help them satisfy their need.
Developing Communication Intimacy
this is all about both of you creating a safe space for each other to express their feelings, their issues, their boundaries, and more. It’s not about just being honest. It’s about truly listening and validating what the other person is saying.
Developing Respect and Patience
This may take time to develop. Sometimes, people have had bad experiences in their pasts that make them hesitant to trust. It’s critical to respect where they are on their journey and to have the patience to let them move into any connection at their own pace. This goes both ways. Desire is only one factor. Turning that desire into real life can take time.
All of these things strengthen Asexual partnerships. So, let’s unpack what should be learned about strengthening them.
How Asexual Bonds are Strengthened
Strengthening asexual bonds requires a focus on building the intimacies above. What follows are some proven strategies for doing just that. Some of these may seem redundant but are worth repeating and reinforcing because they are so important.
Get Thee Educated
If you are the sexual half of a sexual/asexual bond, you cannot move forward with that person unless you have educated yourself. You have to gain insight into asexuality, the entire spectrum, and where your dating mate is on that spectrum. Only then, can you understand their needs and their perspectives.
Communication (Again!)
Yes again, There can never be strong bonds without that safe space for expressing needs, desires, feelings, emotions, boundaries, and concerns. Rule #1? No criticism, no judgement, and full listening ears!
Engage in Shared Activities
One of the things that may have attracted you to each other was common interests and passions – things that have nothing to do with sex at all. Plan to regularly engage in these activities together. They will provide a sense of togetherness and enhance the bond.
Celebrate Each Other’s Achievements and Successes
This is something that all couples should be doing if their partnership is solid. Again, there is not even remotely related to sex. It is love, celebration, and a show of appreciation and admiration.
Respecting Boundaries
This means that neither part puts pressure on the other to cross boundaries that have been set and mutually agreed upon. Usual the asexual half may have more boundaries, but if they have been agreed upon, they are “carved in stone” unless both mutually agree upon changes.
Making Emotional Intimacy a Priority
Closeness for couples requires that they share everything in deep and meaningful conversations during which they both talk and listen. Emotions are tricky. Feelings, sentiments, replies, and reactions are all involved., and both need to commit to be in tune with one another.
Supporting Each Other’s Growth
As much as couples want to be close and connected, they each have their individual lives too. Again, supporting and encouraging each other as they pursue their goals has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with deep and enduring love.
Celebrating Milestones
Here’s a great way to reinforce commitment. Whether it’s the anniversary of their first date, the time they first said, “I love you,” when they moved in together, when they first met parents or announced their commitment to friends at an event, a special vacation, and such. As many of these as can be remembered should be celebrated.
Promoting Comfort and Emotional Safey
This is an ongoing activity. All couples face struggles; all couples have disagreements; all couples face challenges, both as individuals and together. Sexual/asexual couples are no different – it’s pretty universal. Working through these together can actually strengthen bonds and give both a sense that “we are in this together, and we’ll see everything through together.”
Continuing to Practice Nonsexual Affection
It’s often the little things. A hug from behind as one of you is fixing dinner; an affectionate kiss just because; dancing to a romantic song; cupping the other’s face in your hands; a spontaneous hug while shopping. These are the things that remind one another that their love is real.
Getting Professional Help if Needed
Couples therapy among partners in any type of relationship is common. As they navigate their journey together, issues arise that they are not able to work through on their own. It’s the right thing to do to seek therapy. Find a therapist who has experience with sexual/asexual partnerships, so that each partner has a sense of being understood and validated.
Plenty to Chew On…
You both may need to chew on this separately and together. And it certainly doesn’t have to be done in one sitting. Take it by sections. There’s certainly no rush. And by reading it together, you will have lots to talk about – more opportunities for bonding.
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