Asexuals. Much of society either doesn’t know the term or, if they do, have no understanding of what it even means to be an asexual person. For those who do know the term, ACE folks simply don’t like or want sex – in other words, they are all sex repulsed. What they don’t understand is that there is an ACE spectrum that runs the gamut of those who are fully sex repulsed to those who do experience sexual arousal and want sex under certain conditions to those who are not sexually attracted to others but who engage in sex with partners for other reasons.
Dating as an asexual person or dating an asexual person comes with a set of circumstances and some “rules” which we will call tips in this article.
So, let’s get started.
Dating an Asexual Person When You are a Sexual Person
So, You start dating an asexual. And you know they are asexual because they told you (which is one of the “rules” for asexual when they start dating). And you know next-to-nothing about what ACE means.
You have some work to do, because one of the pieces of advice for you is that you don’t dump a bunch of questions on your new dating partner. Leave it to them to reveal what they want to on their own time. If you pummel them with questions, that might just be a deal breaker for them.
In your meantime, you better get yourself educated. You don’t have to stop dating them. After all, you are attracted, you’ve made a good connection on lots of levels, and you want the relationship to grow. So here we got with your tasks.
Getting Yourself Educated – #1
Obviously, you have a lot to learn about your asexual partner and ACErs in general. We are happy to share resources that will help:
Use Reputable Online Resources
There are a host of great websites that you can turn to for information about the ACE community – Forbes, Huffington Post, VeryWellMind to name just a few.
Here, you’ll find articles that are written in easily understood terms.
Join Some Reputable Forums and Social Media Groups
Many ACE folks and their friends hang out online, so they can have meaningful conversations and share their experiences and challenges. Do a lot of listening here before you dare step your toe into the conversations. You’re here to learn and hope to get some good insights. You will probably find that social media groups are more open to “carnal” people and may engage more in answering your questions.
Read the Definitive Work on Asexuality
Angela Chen, an ACE herself and editor of Vox and Wired, as well as an occasional reporter for The Wall Street Journal, has written a book, ACE: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex. It was named a standout book by NPR.
If you really want to understand everything about your dating partner (and other ACE folks), this is the book to read.
#2: Learn the Myths and Misconceptions
You cannot expect to truly “get” asexual folks without knowing how society has misconstrued the truth about them. Here’s a short synopsis of the most common myths:
Asexual People Have a Mental Disorder
Except for a minority of asexuals who have become so because of some trauma, asexuals do not have a psychological problem.
Asexuality is a valid identification and orientation that is built in and a part of who they are. It will never be turned on or off by any kind of therapy. Somehow, society has a need to identify men and women who are not sexually “normal” as mentally ill.
The American Psychiatric Association doesn’t consider anyone in the LGBTQ+ population to have any mental health disorder.
Asexuals Aren’t Able to Experience Love or Intimacy
Totally false. There are aromantic asexuals who do not wish to have carnal or romantic relationships, but of course, they do have intimate love relationships with family members and close friends – they just are not of a romantic orientation. Nor is there any sexual orientation involved.
Most asexuals do experience romantic attraction and experience desire for others. But with that romantic attraction, they do not usually desire sex.
And again, the larger society equates romance and sex. Just watch any romcom movie or TV show. Romantic couples end up in bed.
Asexuals Choose to be Celibate or Abstain from Intercourse
Nope. Celibacy and abstinence are choices made by people for their own personal reasons. People join religious orders and take vows of celibacy. Others choose not to have sex until they are married or sometimes after a painful breakup. And these choices make sense to those people.
Being asexual is not a choice. It’s built in as a part of who they are. It cannot be turned on or off at will.
Asexuals Just Haven’t Found Their “One” Yet
No again. They don’t experience sexual orientation because they just don’t have it. This is what their identification is all about. The “one” for them may be someone they want a romantic relationship with. Now, some asexual people may experience a sensual orientation for short periods (an Acespike, for example), but their asexuality is their primary identification.
All Asexuals are Sex-Repulsed
Some on the Ace spectrum are repulsed by sex, but most are not of that extreme. In fact, most will engage in sex for any number of reasons. They may want to please a partner, have children, or even want to try sex as an exploration. Some asexuals even experience sensual drive only with strangers and actually seek out one-night stands.
An important piece of advice here. When you hear other men and women spout off any of these myths, you owe it to your dating partner to bust them. The more you and others do this, the more compassion and empathy there will be.
#3: You Are Not at Fault
This is important advice. When you date an ACE, you might wonder what you could do differently to arouse them sexually, and you may just begin to blame yourself, that there is something wrong with you. You have to go back to what you have already learned. Nothing you do or don’t do is going to change their asexuality. What you will have to do is assure you ace partner that their asexuality is not a deal breaker for you and that the two of you will work it all out together.
Dump all of the insecurities you may have been feeling. Again, it’s not you. They are attracted to you for lots of other reasons, and those attractions are real and genuine. Build your continuing relationship on those.
#4: No Pressure, Ever
This should go without saying. Whether an asexual person is straight, gay, lesbian, trans, bisexual, or non-binary, if they are asexual, there is already plenty of pressure on them from society at large, and if they are part of the LGBTQ+ population, they are under pressure in today’s political climate.
What asexuals do not need is more pressure from sexual people they are dating.
Society says asexuals are not “normal.” If someone they are dating is also pressuring them about sex, their response may be to flee. If you have had a solid connection based on other things, you are the loser.
So, here’s the solution. No pressure. Enjoy the romantic moments – the cuddling, the hugging, the handholding, the kissing, and the fun and joy that both of you have in those moments. Let your relationship evolve over time, and, through open and honest communication, perhaps come up with a solution that both of you find a good one. Which brings us to the next important point.
#5: Have Honest and Open Communication
Both of you have needs and, especially in the case of your asexual, boundaries.
It’s important that you verbalize your needs and boundaries, maybe not in the beginning but as your relationship evolves, it’s important that you are open and honest. It’s a good thing to talk with your asexual about your sex life and what it has been in the past.
You need to talk about what is working for both of you and what is not working for one or the other of you. Only if you are both totally honest can you both talk about solutions that will work for both of you.
There is a difference between sexual needs and entitlement. Society speaks to “entitlement,” saying that sexual beings as couples are entitled to have sex. But entitlement is one of the unhealthiest approaches to sex.
You have sexual needs in your ace-non-ace romantic situation. The non-ace half of your coupling does not. You’ll have to find your own personal solutions as a couple. It may include any number of possibilities:
- Your non-ace person may decide to have sex with you so that you have that pleasure (details about how often will be agreed upon).
- You may decide that masturbation can meet your sexual needs in addition to the sex you have as a couple
- Your ace half may decide that you can seek sex on the outside, providing certain conditions and boundaries, so that neither person feels bad.
Both of you must keep an open mind as you talk about solutions and compromises. And these are decisions that are highly personal and not subject to the “norms” that anyone else on the outside might think should be correct. It is obviously none of anyone’s business and is not for either one of you to disclose.
Also be mindful that the two of you may not be able to reach the compromise solution that will work for both of you. In that case, you may just have to part ways.
#6: Focus on Non-Sexual Intimacy
There are lots of ways to be intimate, and they should all be explored. Go out for a candlelight intimate dinner, sit across from each other, hold hand across the table, and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes; give each other a massage and a long lingering kiss; the fine art of touching and cuddling is very intimate. And if any of these things turn you on, you may have to just masturbate. And that’s okay!
The point is this: there are just so many ways to be intimate that don’t include intercourse. Take the time to explore them all. Relationships are built on lots of other healthy ways to keep romance alive.
The Shoe on the Other Foot – Advice for Asexuals
Remember when you were in your teens and you thought life was pretty uncomplicated? If you were a girl, you hung out with your girlfriends, you probably started dating. If you were a guy, you hung out your guy friends and probably started dating too.
But something felt different for you. As a girl, you didn’t have typical crushes on sexy celebrities; as a guy, you didn’t ogle over sexy looking women. And when you dated, you didn’t feel the normal hormonal sexual urges that guys get or the sexual attraction that girls get with their boyfriends.
These things should have been red flags for you, except you had never heard the term ace. You just knew you weren’t interested in sexuality the same way as the pals in your dating world. And you had no way to process what you were not feeling. You may have even found it a bit scary. The main thing was you knew you were not interested in sex the way others were.
Finding and Knowing Your Identity
This may have been tough. With luck, as you grew into adulthood, you came across other aces who shared you disinterest in sexual feelings, and you began to understand that you were not alone. You made connections with them, and you world became a bit easier. You were able to begin to narrow down just where you were on this spectrum of different kinds of ace identities and where you fit on that spectrum.
Figuring Out Your Dating Life
As an ace, you do have options, depending where you sit on the spectrum.
- You might be a gray ace, someone who sits sort of in the middle between total averse to sexual activity to allosexual, someone who want sex frequently
- You might be a demisexual, someone who can only respond to sexual advances after you have formed a romantic bond
- You might be an acespike, someone who has spurts of physical attraction and prefers intercourse with strangers to satisfy those needs when the arise
- Or you may be anywhere else on the spectrum.
The first thing you want to do is identify you type and go from there in your dating journey.
Now for the Dating Advice
#1: Decide Who You Want to Date
Some ace people are more comfortable dating other aces because there is an immediate comfort level, whether they are the same or different gender. You see, gender and orientation have nothing to do with how you identify.
Others have an interest in dating those who are closer to allosexuals because they might enjoy intercourse, even though they don’t feel the attraction. Or they have developed strong emotional and romantic feelings and don’t mind if their other half satisfies their needs somewhere else (with boundaries and “rules” mutually agreed upon, for sure).
#2: If You Decide to Date Other Acers
Start online. There has been an explosion of dating sites and apps for those who don’t experience sexual attraction. Explore as many as you want and settle in on a few dating sites that are promising.
You may want a long-distance relationship where you don’t ever meet in real life or do so only infrequently. You can still be a couple with a strong romantic, emotional, or even platonic bond and do all of your dating online. After all, most dating apps and sites support phone calls and video calls, along with the typical messaging communications.
There are also plenty of groups on all major social media platforms where you can date completely online or narrow your choices down by geography so you can meet up in IRL.
The bottom line is that asexual people have the best chance of meeting other asexual people online.
#3: If You Decide to Date Allosexuals
Obviously, it’s much easier to meet allosexuals for dating, simply because they are the majority of daters out there. They make up at least 95% of the dating population.
But you will want to meet allosexuals with whom you have plenty of commonalities, so that there is a strong foundation for a relationship.
Take a look at your passions and interests. If you are into animal rescue, get involved in those organizations where you’ll meet allosexuals; if you are into writing, take a writing course at your local community college; if you love classic cars, join a group and start actively participating.
#4: How to Come Out to Your Allosexual Mate
So, you’ve hit a club or some social event you’ve been invited to and you’ve met someone. You’ve talked and discovered that you have some commonalities that are important to you. You’ve exchanged phone numbers, and they call you for a date.
Now what?
Well, it’s not really fair to move forward without them knowing. So, the question is how do you tell them?
Put some type of script together that will explain yourself.
If you are more comfortable doing this via text, by all means do so. Here are a couple of examples to give you an idea:
- “Before we have our first date, I need to share something with you. I’m demisexual. This means that I am not up for sexual activity until I have an emotional connection with someone. Here’s a link to a more detailed explanation of who I am.”
- “There’s something you should know about me. I’m heteroromantic and asexual. This is probably something you’ve never heard of, so I am giving you a link that will give a good explanation. After you read it, ask me any questions you want. If you still want to meet up, I’m in for sure.”
If you’ve been casually seeing each other for a bit, you might be comfortable telling them in person. But again, you might want to prepare a bit of a script in advance.
#5: Navigating Sex
It’s not unusual for acers to have intercourse. You might want to:
- explore what it is like
- please your mate
- have children
- satisfy a minute of physical attraction
Whatever your reason, it’s up to you and your mate to navigate it in any way that is satisfying for both of you. If your lines of communication are open and honest, there shouldn’t be a problem.
This is a Lot to Chew On…
No matter where you are on this whole sexuality thing, this article should give you valuable advice on how to proceed with someone you are interested in.
Just remember this: Your desires, needs, and boundaries are valid. If your lines of communication stay healthy, and both of you validate each other’s desires, needs, and boundaries, you’re in for a great ride. Isn’t that what all dating is really about? Have fun and enjoy it all!
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