It is not so simple for those who are gay, bisexual, trans, or any other person who identifies along the spectrum of being queer. They are not comfortable with the gender roles that the majority of society has pre-determined for them, and they want and seek relationships that they are comfortable with. They may not be comfortable being public about who they are, but, in the words of Bob Dylan, “The times they are a’ changin’.”
Applying Labels – It’s a Human Thing
We have a need to label everything and everyone, even when those labels don’t always fit. And here’s the thing when we label ourselves and others in terms of sexual preferences: those labels might fit right now, but they can change over time. Straight people, for example, may be hetero because they believe they must satisfy that role, especially as it is portrayed by fictional male characters or female characters in all forms of media. They live in a world of compulsory heterosexuality. Then, one day they discover that they really are not heterosexual. At this point, they are confused but want to explore this new gender identity.
But labels can give us a start in understanding ourselves because they provide certain characteristics that we can then measure ourselves against.
The Lesbian Label
So now we come to answer the question in the title: “Am I a lesbian?” Or better, you will answer that question for yourself once you have enough information.
Let’s unpack a definition of lesbian first.
In the broadest sense, the label applies to women who have sexual, emotional, and often romantic attractions to other women. But this simple definition does not include others who may identify as lesbians, at least in part, or at certain times. Being a lesbian can also be a fluid thing. All the girls who identify as lesbian can experiment with various sexual practices, and they may not seek out same-sex encounters and relationships exclusively.
So, Do You Fit this Label?
No one can answer that but you. There is no quiz or “test” you can take that will give you a definitive answer. But you can look at the most common characteristics and see where you fall on the spectrum of lesbianism. And don’t be surprised if you don’t fit the full mold – most do not. Just look at them, decide if they fit you, and, if so, then you can label yourself within that spectrum.
The other important thing to remember is this: your sexual preferences do not always have to be the same. You may want hetero sex at times; you may want same-gender sex at times, and you may want no sex at all at times. You are unique – date who you want when you want; be attracted to and have sex with who you want when you want; get into a full-blown relationship with who you want when you want. That’s the beauty of being your own person with your own sexual needs and wants.
Looking at Causes of Lesbianism
First, let’s take a look at what causes lesbianism. The answer? The verdict is still out on this, and the research continues to pour in. Some women and men just know from a very young age that they are not comfortable in a heterosexual world.
And then there are girls who, as they grow and develop, find themselves gravitating to other girls, during a time when most girls seek out relationships with a boyfriend. Many girls may have tendencies toward relationships with other girls but don’t have a sexual attraction per se until they reach puberty. Were they lesbians at birth? Again, the verdict is still out.
Fact: Researchers have determined (at least at this time) that lesbianism can be caused by psychological factors, hormones in the girl since birth, or a combination of both.
Check Yourself Against These Common Traits
While this is not any kind of a quiz, you can take a look at these traits and judge for yourself.
You choose girlfriends who are more affectionate toward you.
They may kiss and hug you more often. They touch you affectionately more often. And you find yourself responding to these physical gestures with pleasure – more so than when the same behaviors come from a guy. You imagine kissing and dating women with a sense of pleasure.
You become overly possessive of a girlfriend
So, your best friend develops a friendship with another girl or with a guy. You find yourself upset, angry, and even a bit depressed. You want to “deep-six” that friendship so you can have her all to yourself. This may be common with girlfriend situations in middle and high school, but if you are beyond school and still have such feelings, it may be a sign.
You have sexual fantasies about other Females
Cis gals who are sexual often have fantasies about guys, especially those they have a crush on. It may be a celebrity or someone they know and feel an attraction to. And they may watch heterosexual porn that turns them on. If you have fantasies about other gals and get turned on by lesbian-on-lesbian films, this is a pretty good sign.
You are not turned on by naked male bodies or parts
There are some pretty “buff” guys out there, and they show their bodies everywhere. And there is heterosexual porn that is certainly a turn-on for cis gals.
As teens, cis girls talk about what boys they have dated, how many they have kissed or done more with, and such stuff. You have kissed a boy and felt nothing while they are all giddy and giggly.
If you are not turned on by these things, but you are attracted to women’s bodies and lesbian porn does spawn an attraction, you should be getting the idea that you don’t have a romantic attraction to guys.
Your feelings are different from other women your age
Whether you are in puberty or older, you are not having the same feelings as other gals your age. A school-age girl will develop a crush on a boy and pursue dating him. Girls talk about their hetero dating life and romance; they speak about certain guys that are “hot.” You just aren’t “feeling it.” You could be experiencing your lesbianism, or you may find that while you are bisexual, you may have a certain level of preference. You find these feelings confusing. It’s time to delve into your sexuality some more.
Your girl “crush” goes beyond the normal
It’s normal to have girl crushes, especially in your teen years. You have a best friend, you do everything together, you spend huge amounts of time with each other, and you can’t imagine life without her. These are common things among cis girls. But, if your crushes extend into sexual attraction, then they are beyond the normal close relations that girls often have. And if your girl crushes are not interspersed with guy crushes too, then you should consider that you are a lesbian.
You have often had sexual experimentation but only with girls
If you have had lots of sexual encounters with both guys and gals, and you find that you reach satisfaction with both, then you may not be fully lesbian but bisexual. However, if you have experimented only with girls, find sexual satisfaction, and have no inclination to experiment with guys, then you are definitely a candidate for the label lesbian. And when that experimentation is no longer that but a habitual thing, then certainly you shouldn’t be confused anymore.
You don’t hook up with guys as your girlfriends do
If you go out clubbing with your straight girlfriends, chances are they flirt and hook up with guys. This may mean things as simple as exchanging phone numbers to going home with them. If you just have no desire to do this, end up going home alone, and don’t feel the least bit bad about it, chances are guys are just not your thing. If you also find yourself looking at and being attracted to women in these situations, it’s time to explore your gender identity.
Others have suggested to you that you might be a lesbian
Sometimes, your community of hetero friends may see things you do not. They notice that you seem more interested in gals than guys. They see your flirty attitude toward a pretty girl; they see you gazing longingly at butts and tits; they see those small but telling physical gestures you make toward other females. And they notice that you smooch other girls as they would a guy when in a hetero encounter. Listen to what they tell you they are observing and think about it. Be honest with yourself. Are you attracted to women? Do you picture romantic relationships and sex with the same gender? Do you look at magazines with sexy female characters and find yourself attracted to them? Girl, follow these signs.
Girl-on-Girl Porn Turns You On
You are with a group of girlfriends, and they decide to watch some hetero porn. They are really enjoying it, making sexual comments about what they would like to do with some of those guy actors. You feel nothing and have nothing to contribute to the conversation. In fact, you may be a bit uncomfortable because you don’t want to be a part of their conversations. On the other hand, you have watched some lesbian porn and have been pretty turned on and wishing that some of those moves were being made on you. This should be a pretty solid idea about your sexual orientation.
Daydreams (and Night Musings)
We all have daydreams and imagine those things we desire in life. And before we fall asleep at night, we still imagine and wonder about what we want. The daydreams and night musing of lesbians revolve around a romantic relationship (or at least sexual) with other lesbians. They picture what a long-term relationship with another lesbian might be. They think about what kind of support they might have from their family and their community of friends and even coworkers if they reveal their identity.
If you are having these types of thoughts, you are definitely interested in pursuing a relationship with another lesbian and revealing your gender identity to family and friends. Obviously, you have a decision to make. Perhaps run your revelation by your best friend for her reaction and advice.
Bisexual or Full Lesbian?
Perhaps in the past, you have had bisexual experiences. You were attracted to both boys and gals. You may have even explored sexuality with a gay guy who was exploring too. Exploring your sexuality is normal and encouraged by the entire LGBTQ+ community. And for many, their gender identity may change more than once during their lifetime. A lesbian is no different.
At some point, you may explore sex with guys, come to enjoy both female and male encounters, and then ultimately fall back to a full lesbian gender identity again. Within the LGBTQ+ community, your friends will remain your friends no matter what you choose as a gender identity at any time.
So, the Answer to Your Question is…
Only you know what is in your heart, and only you can do the self-reflection that is needed to determine your sexual orientation and gender identity. And, though people have tried to develop a quiz that you might take, they are faulty.
You might, for example, be attracted to men on occasion. Is it because you are supposed to be when around your hetero girlfriends, or does that attraction feel real? Does the word lesbian make you uncomfortable around your hetero friends or co-workers? These are not reasons to deny you sexual preferences if you have gone through the list above and you can relate. And why should you deny that you are attracted to the same gender? In this day and age, a woman should be who and what she wants.
Are you a lesbian? Well, if you are not into the hetero connections that other girls are with boys and find those enjoyable and satisfying, you may well be. Time will tell. Just stay tuned to your inner feelings as you have encounters and experiences. Don’t use the “l word” in reference to who or what you are from a sexual standpoint until you are comfortable with whatever term you finally choose.
The key to answering the question, am I a lesbian, is being open to what your heart tells you, and involves not being afraid to find the true answer no matter what it does. No quiz can answer what’s in your heart. If while looking over the list, almost all the items describe you, it might help answer your question. But remember this: whoever you choose to be, there is support for you within either or both of the straight or LGBTQ+ communities.
A Note About Coming Out and How You Do It
“You come out to yourself first. When and who you come out to is a personal decision.” This from Jordan Underwood, content writer, lesbian, and activist. And she’s right. Until you have defined yourself as a lesbian, there is no reason to announce what you “think” might be your sexuality to anyone else.
Once you are sure you identify as lesbian, you have to choose how and to whom you will announce yourself. The important thing is that you do not have to reveal your lesbian sexuality to anyone who may condemn you. Not everyone will be supportive. So, you may want to wait until you have self-confidence and have talked with a few who have made this journey before you, even gay guys. Nothing is wrong with these decisions you make.
Also, be mindful of the risks of not coming out as a lesbian woman. Your entire life becomes one of living a lie in a “world” where human sexuality is still somewhat based on traditional gender identities. A queer woman can be the subject of scorn, bullying, or worse, not to mention some personal mental health issues.
Figuring out how to tell certain people that you are not straight “…will depend on your relationship to them, as well as your reliance on them,” states Katrina Knizek, a lesbian herself and a sex therapist. Certainly, you don’t want to be “outed” to straight people you know will not be supportive or accepting. Be a bit discriminating at first. With some, you can be very direct with something like, “I know why I am not interested in dating men. I’m a lesbian.” If you don’t want to have a conversation and come up with answers to a lot of questions, send a text to that person.
In the End…
Once you clearly identify as lesbian rather than hetero or any other gender, you have cause to celebrate. You know who you are and find comfort in that. Many who believe they must conform to traditional gender roles never reach that point. So be the lesbian you know you are, seek out women of the same gender you are attracted to, find support from the LGBTQ+ community as well as “gender appropriate” friends who love you, and have the relationships you deserve.
Be the woman you want to be. Acknowledge who you are attracted to and pursue that woman. You have your own answers about your life and loves.
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