ACE. In the LGBTQ+ world, this term refers to everyone on the asexual spectrum, and that’s a lot of people. Above all else, it is a sexual identity, not a gender identification. Someone of any gender can fall within the ACE spectrum.
Those who fall along the ACE spectrum are the exact opposite of those who fall along the Allosexual spectrum – those people who have sexual desire and attraction to others. Again, this is a sexual orientation, not a gender identity. People of every gender can and do identify as allosexual.
Somewhere along the middle of the ACE spectrum are found the demisexuals, people who do experience sexual attraction but only after they have formed a romantic relationship and strong emotional bond with someone first.
And herein lies the crux of this article – to compare and contrast asexuals and demisexuals.
Let’s begin with definitions of both or these sexualities first.
Asexuals
The simple definition of an asexual is someone who does not have sexual attraction for others.
Of course, like all definitions, there’s more to it than that. So, let’s look at all of the facets of asexuality.
First, it means different things to different people. And everyone who identifies as asexual may experience it differently. Example: an asexual person has sex to conceive children.
Types of Attractions Asexuals Might Have
Asexuals do experience plenty of other attractions which can translate to relationships:
- Romantic attraction. Asexuals do have romantic feelings, have those, and want romantic relationships with others.
- Sensual attraction. It i not unusual for asexuals to want physically intimate activity such as hugging or cuddling. Their desire for sex just doesn’t come along with that
- Aesthetic attraction. Asexuals can definitely be attracted to others based on their physical appearance.
- Platonic attraction. Asexuals can want a platonic relationship with multiple people – friends from school, co-workers, those they meet spontaneously, etc.
- Emotional connections. Asexuals want to connect with others who share the same feelings and understandings. An asexual may have a strong emotional bond with someone who shares their passion for animal rescue, for example.
Looking at Some Facts About Asexuality
It’s a common misconception that asexuals have no sexual desires at all. Some don’t, but some do. So here, we have to distinguish among three things:
- Libido. This is someone’s sex drive – a longing to have sex and and gain satisfaction from sexual release. It ranges from strong to weak and varies throughout all genders and sexualities. Those with a really strong sex drive may go in for one-night stands to satisfy this drive.
- Sexual desire: This refers to someone’s want or need to have sex for any number of reasons. I might be for pleasure, of course, but it also might be to satisfy the wants and needs of someone else. Or it may be to conceive a child. There are just all sorts of varied reasons why asexuals may want to have sex.
- Sexual attraction: This is where asexuals separate themselves from the rest. While they may have sexual cravings and a libido (many masturbate actually), they do not feel sexual attraction to others. They are simply not sexually aroused by the sight or “come-ons” of others.
So, exactly why does an asexual, who feels no sexual attraction to another person, choose to have sex anyway?
Why an Asexual Person Will Want to Have Sex Anyway
There are plenty of reasons why an asexual may choose to have sex with another person, even without any feelings of attraction:
- Their libido is calling: Remember, asexuality is not synonymous with low libido. Asexuals can have a strong libido that needs satisfaction. So, they will choose sex with another to gain satisfaction, though there is no sexual attraction to that person at all. It might even be a one-night stand with a stranger.
- They want children: There’s only one way to have children. Get pregnant or impregnate someone else.
- To please a partner: Asexuals who are partnered up with sexual people understand their needs – normal for them. The majority of asexuals will engage in sexual acts to represent their love for their significant other.
- To get physical pleasure from sex. Remember, plenty of asexuals have a drive for sex. They just don’t have sexual attraction to others. This can lead to arousal and pleasuring themselves via masturbation or finding someone for a “quickie.” So long as they are mindful of their health in all of this, no problem.
- To give and get affection. We all need to understand that it is common for ACE individuals to feel romantic attractions to others. If those attractions lead to sex in order to get the gestures of romance (touching, cuddling, and such) that they hope to get.
It’s important to remember and understand that ACE sex drive does exist. What commonly does not exist is drive for sex with someone else. The one exception is what we call gray asexuality or gray ace, those who do have sexual attraction to other people at times.
Asexuals and Romantic Relationships
There do exist people who are both asexual and aromantic. This means they have neither a sexual nor a romantic need or longing for others.
But in most cases, ACE individuals can and do have romantic needs and longings. And they often access dating sites where they can find like-minded people who understand them and who they can connect with, if only for digital romance. And these attractions can be to a variety of other genders and sexualities.
How About Platonic Love?
Another aspect of asexuality is what has come to be known as queerplatonic relationships. Is there such a thing as platonic love? Yes, and it’s more common than most know.
It all began with Plato, the ancient Greek philosopher who left us with volumes of writings and lived to the age of 80! In one piece, called The Submissions, he had a cast of fictional characters who all spoke on the topic of love.
The conclusion was that the highest form of love was an intellectual and emotional bonding without any romantic or primary sexual attraction. And there are couples who have this type of relationship and live happy and successful lives together.
In short, ACE partnerships come in all flavors.
Can an ACE Change Over Time?
Absolutely. As people journey through their lives, they often find that their sexual orientation changes. In fact, according to Taimi, the largest exclusively LGBTQ+ online dating platform, it is wholly common for anybody to be fluid in their sexuality, and they should embrace those changes, sometimes throughout their lifetimes.
The most important thing is to have an awareness that your sexuality may change and that you will engage with others in different ways as it does. Research from the field of psychology supports that these changes do occur, and the worst thing you can do is deny them and continue to try to live in your original ACE identity. It’s just not healthy.
Here is the reality in a lot of instances:
- A person may identify and be ACE for any number of months or years, experiencing little to no primary sexual attraction to anyone. Then, gradually, or maybe not so gradually, someone appeals to them sexually.
- A person may identify with a normal libido and need for sex and then lose that original drive, have only a secondary sexual attraction, and ultimately, no one appeals to them in that way anymore.
These changes do happen, and once many people have realized and embraced them, have described them openly.
The point is this: Yes, sexuality can change over time; no, your sexuality is not carved in stone; yes, these changes are normal and healthy; whatever you believe your sexual identity to be right now is valid.
With all of these things in mind, it’s probably a good idea to dispel some common myths and misconceptions about being ACE.
Asexuality Misunderstood
It is Not Abstinence or Celibacy
Abstinence and celibacy are conscious choices that people make. A person may choose either of these for any number of reasons:
- They’ve decided to “save” themselves for marriage
- They are on the rebound from a bad love affair and decide no sex until they have recovered
- They have taken a vow of celibacy as a matter of religious affiliation (e.g., priests and nuns in the Catholic Church)
Asexuality is not a conscious choice that people make. It’s a sexual identity that represents who they are at any given time in their lives.
It is Not a Medical Condition
It’s not unusual for a lot of people to think there is something “wrong” with ACEs. They cannot imagine any normal person not having a sex need or even a secondary sexual attraction to someone else.
The problem is that they get Acers’ feeling this way about themselves, and that’s not a good thing.
Asexuality is not a medical issue and there is no medical “fix” for it. It’s not like a sexual disfunction that Viagra can fix!
People are ACE Because They Haven’t Found “The One” Yet
Puhlease! Asexuality doesn’t work this way. It’s not about finding the right one.
Many asexual people have amazing romantic partnerships, and not any or only secondary sexual attraction to that partner. And those partnerships often last a lifetime.
Romance doesn’t require sex, and sex doesn’t require romance – enough said!
Now that these misconceptions are out of the way, there is the reality of how asexuality does work in partnership, especially when the other individual is not ACE – challenging, but not insurmountable.
How ACErs and Non-ACErs Handle Partnerships
Well, as usual these are personal decisions, and the require straight and honest communication.
There are some options here, and it’s obviously up to the couple to discuss them and come up with their own solution options:
- The couple must discuss the boundaries that the ACE has regarding sex. Are both willing to live within these parameters?
- If you both want a long-term romantic partnership, is the ACE individual open to the significant other having sexual encounters outside of the relationship? This kind of open relationship can work if both parties agree on it.
- If both realize that there isn’t a viable compromise, then parting ways may be the only solution. And that’s okay. Both individuals need to have their needs and desires met. No harm no foul.
How to Explain Your Asexuality to Others in Your Life
First of all, you don’t owe anyone an explanation of your sexuality. But if it matters to you that family and friends understand who and what you are, then you should embark upon a course of educating them about asexuality. Here goes:
- They need to understand that this is a sexual orientation, just like being straight, gay, lesbian, or queer in any way is an orientation.
- Assure them that just because you don’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean you will be out of options for friendships or partnerships that will be fully satisfying to you. You will not be lonely, as they might fear.
- Bear this in mind: You owe no one an explanation of your identity or sexuality. This is all your personal business. But also bear in mind that you do owe and explanation to anyone you connect with – honesty is required here.
Now…Let’s talk Demisexuality
First the Term and the Definition
Demi – it’s a Latin prefix that literally means “half.” So, how is someone half-sexual? If someone can explain that, we’d be interested to hear.
The term demisexual was first used in 2006 by the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) online discussions. It became a mainstream term by 2008 in the LGBTQ+ community.
Online dating services also recognized it, and today, lots of them let people choose that as their sexuality.
The simplest definition of a demisexual is a person who only has sexual attraction to someone else after they have formed a romantic and/or emotional bond. This bond doesn’t always require time to develop. For example, you could meet someone at a library, coffee shop, or bar, engage in a conversation, and have a very quick bonding over common interests, goals, and/or values. And all of a sudden, there you are – sexually attracted to them. It happens.
Now this is the simple definition. But just like with asexuality, there are nuances. So, this definition is not set in stone.
How Sexual Attraction Happens for the Demisexual
First, Some Clarity
First, let’s make an important distinction here.
There are a ton of people who choose not to become sexual with someone else until they have formed an emotional connection with them. This is a conscious choice that they make, no matter how sexually attracted they may be to that person.
For the demisexual, it’s not a choice. They simply cannot experience a sexual attraction until they have that emotional/romantic bond in place.
Many others can experience a desire for and a fantasy of a sexual experience with those they do not even know – great looking celebrities for example or attending a performance of the Chippendales
Demisexuals do not experience this. If a straight demisexual woman attended a Chippendales performance, she would not have any sexual stimulation whatsoever.
Demisexuals and Physical Attraction to Others
It’s worth repeating this again (for those in the back). A demisexual may be of any gender identity. What remains constant for all of them is their sexuality.
And repeating again – demisexuals will feel no physical (sexual) attraction until they have first formed a romantic/emotional bond with someone. Once that bond is made, though, they can enjoy a full and satisfying sex life.
Demisexuality and the Spectrum of Sexuality
The sexuality spectrum has too extremes. At one end those who are fully ACE and live their lives never having a physical attraction of a sexual nature to anyone. They can be of any gender or sexuality.
At the other end are allosexuals – those who can experience physical desires for others under most any circumstances. They may be of any sexual orientation – straight, gay, lesbian, trans, non-binary, etc.
Many demisexuals do not seem themselves as an asexual sub category of ACE and do not place themselves on the asexuality spectrum at all. Others identify on the spectrum. It doesn’t matter – it’s a personal choice.
It’s also important to point out again that someone may identify and describe themselves as demisexual for a period of time and then feel a difference, due to many factors, and identify as something else entirely. And, again, it’s all good. Once they have realized they are something else, they should pursue that new identity and inform only who they wish to inform. Human sexuality is so complex, it’s just impossible to put people into “boxes” permanently. And one word is not enough to fully describe anyone’s sexual experiences.
Demisexuality Misunderstood
Just like it is with asexuality, there are misconceptions and myths about demisexuality that need to be dispelled. Here are the most common.
It’s Really Not a “Thing”
A lot of people dismiss demisexuality as just a word that is thrown around by people who just don’t know who or what they are yet, that it’s not a valid identity. News flash: a demisexual person is not demisexual by choice – it is who and what they are and how they experience attraction.
Demisexuality is Just Another Form of Asexuality
The ultimate purpose of this article is to detail the difference of demisexual vs and ACE, and we’ll get to all of that detail shortly. Right now, suffice it to say that a demisexual person is not the same as an ACE. Confusion over this comes from people not being fully educated about all of this.
All Demisexuals Fall Under the Queer Umbrella
Demisexuality isn’t about gender or sexual orientation. Plenty of straight, hetero people are also demisexual. This isn’t about who someone is attracted to. It is about HOW they are attracted to that someone.
Demisexuals Feel Shame, Guilt, or Fear Regarding Sex
Puhlease! If any “demis” are feeling any of these things, it is because others have made them feel this way. And it may take some therapy to let go of these feelings and realize that they are great just the way they are.
Demis Have to Be in Love to Want and Have Sex
Nope. Wrong again. Demis must have some type of emotional bond and connection, and that can come in a variety of “colors.” For example, sapiosexuals are individuals who want a bond based on intelligence. And for some demis, this is a bond they can describe as emotional enough to bring about physical attraction.
The point is there are more bonds than just love. It’s all about an emotional connection of some type.
And Now to the Meat of This Article
Demisexual vs. Asexual. Are the two mutually exclusive, or are there some commonalities? The answer is both.
Commonalities
- Both have libidos that can fire up
- Neither ACErs nor demis are into casual sex
- Both do experience physical desire, though much differently
- Both may change in their sexual orientations throughout their lifetimes
- Both are not what they are by a conscious choice
- Both can and do have strong emotional attractions to others
Differences
- Demis experience sexual attraction to others once a bond is formed; ACErs do not experience sexual attraction to others but may seek sexual relief in other ways (i.e., masturbation).
- Demis arrive at feeling sexually attracted through a variety of types of bonds – romantic, emotional, intellectual, and such; ACErs are attracted by the same types of bonds, but they do not lead to sexual attraction.
- Demis have partnerships that involve sexual activity; ACErs have partnerships that only involve sex for other purposes – have kids, satisfy the needs of a partner, etc.
In the End, What’s Really Important?
What’s important is this: human connections, bonds, and sexual activity form a complicated array of interactions, desirabilities, bondings, and physical drives. Within the world of asexuality and demisexuality, there are many nuances. Every individual must find their own comfort zone and live there without any need to answer to anyone else.
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