Taimi
Most of us are conditioned to believe that sexual attraction is a part of dating, romantic relationships, and even marriage. Historically, the absence of sex has even been used as justification to invalidate a marriage. If someone had no interest in sex, it was assumed that they were also uninterested in dating or relationships.
Now, we know that isn't true. An asexual individual can date and enter romantic situations. Many of them actively pursue these connections.
Why is it important to under this? Because it's possible that you:
Are an asexual person seeking better understanding and validation of your feelings about sex
Have an asexual partner right now or might in the future
Just want to be better educated about the topic so you can be affirming to your Ace friends
Asexuality is a sexual orientation that is defined by the absence of or limited sexual attraction to others. People who identify as asexual are often called ace. The ace spectrum is often used to describe the full range of sexual feelings an asexual individual might have.
It can mean no sex! But, that's not always the case. Asexuality exists on a spectrum. One person who is asexual might have absolutely no desire for a sex life at all. The idea of masturbation might even repulse them. At the other end of the spectrum, you might find someone willing to have an intimate relationship with a spouse or partner.
They may even enjoy the pleasurable sensations they feel during the sex act. Some love kissing, cuddling, holding hands, and romantic gestures. But, they aren't interested in sex enough to miss it or pursue it when it isn't a part of their life.
Remember that each person decides their orientation. So, someone might identify as asexual even though you might not use that word to describe yourself in the same situation.
Like gay men and lesbian women, people who are asexual deal with a lot of misconceptions about themselves and their relationship with sex. Here are a few of them:
Asexuality is the result of abuse or other trauma
People are asexual because they fear intimacy
Asexuals don't date or have partnerships
Asexuality is a label someone adopts when they can't or won't find someone
Gay people just call themselves asexual to deny their true sexuality
An asexual can be cured if they find the right individual.
Nobody becomes asexual. Just like nobody woke up one morning and decided to be straight, lesbian, gay, or bi. It's simply an identity that exists. Similarly, people will identify as ace on different schedules. Some people realize they are asexual at a young age and are comfortable being open about it. Conversely, some people go through a lot of emotional turmoil because they were socialized to believe that it was abnormal to not be sexually interested in others. When they can embrace their asexual identity, they feel as though they are finally becoming their honest, authentic selves.
Yes, an asexual individual can date, get married, and have long-term relationships with their partners. First, remember that dating isn't a black-and-white concept. Here's a scenario to consider.
You've got a major crush on someone in your friends circle. So, you ask them out hoping they are attracted to you too! As the "date" unfolds, the two of you spend time together as you talk, listen to music, and go to the movies. At the end of the night, you both agree you had fun and to do this again.
Later you find out that they didn't see this as a date at all. To them, this was just a really fun day with a friend. Did they use you or take advantage of you? No, they didn't. They simply didn't see this as a date, because they define that differently than you in the context of how they see your relationship.
Now, back to asexual folks. You might not consider any outing with someone you aren't sexually attracted to a date. Other people might have a much broader view of dating for themselves. Asexual people may date for social and romantic experiences. They may seek out intimacy in other ways through one-on-one social experiences, and this includes dating.
Yes, many asexuals will intentionally seek out another asexual partner for dating and marriage. This can be the simplest path for them to take in some ways. Generally speaking, sex is less likely to be a contentious topic when an asexual individual connects with an asexual partner.
That said, this doesn't always happen. Also, even though such a relationship may be less complicated in some areas, there can still be conflict. An ace person and their asexual partner may have widely conflicting views and relationship goals. There is no perfect, conflict-free relationship. There's even the potential for some issues around sex if each person is on a different side of the spectrum.
An allosexual individual can date and have a fulfilling relationship with an asexual partner. The key is to be willing to discuss things, have empathy for one another, and respect boundaries. It's also important that the couple can engage in frequent communication about their relationship and find different ways to be intimate.
Here are some relationship solutions that have worked for asexuals who are in a relationship with someone who wants to be sexually active:
Keep in mind that some asexual folks are okay with some sexual activity. They may even get some enjoyment out of it. In return, the allosexual partner may need to lower their expectations in terms of frequency or forego particular acts that make their partner uncomfortable.
It's also possible to be intimate without sexual contact. For example, a couple could engage in sexual communication like sexting.
Sometimes, an allosexual feels such a deep connection with their asexual partner that they decide that they are okay without having sex as a part of their lives. Instead, they focus on romantic, spiritual, and intellectual connections.
Ethical non-monogamy is an all-encompassing term for any relationship in which each partner agrees that they consent to the other having intimate contact outside of the primary relationship. If one partner is ace and understands that the other person has sexual needs, this may be a viable solution to them. However, nobody should enter into a commitment with an ace partner and expect this to be the case. Some will be fine with it while others believe it is wrong.
Yes, many asexual couples are happily married. It's also possible to have a mixed orientation marriage where each partner has a different sexual identity. What's important is that the husband and wife are aware of boundaries and manage their expectations.
Ideally, they will talk through things and have a good idea about how their situation will work. This will include coming up with answers to these questions together:
Will we have kids naturally or adopt
Is this going to be a completely sexless marriage?
Is there a point at which some of these big decisions will be up for review
Will the allosexual spouse be able to seek out intimate contact outside the marriage
remember that most people have complicated things to work through when they're wed. This is just something else they have to figure out.
Yes, it is possible for someone to queer and asexual. First, many people see asexuality as a queer identity. Additionally, attractions can be romantic and aesthetic too. If someone feels those attractions with a partner who is the same gender, they could certainly define themselves as queer.
If you're ace, don't let anyone talk you out of pursuing a dating relationship. There is no particular identity or orientation that doesn't belong. You get to define what dating means for you. Besides, dating doesn't have to lead to intimate contact. It's a path to the experiences and connections that are important to you.
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